Adamantium

Very recently I lost someone irreplaceable. My Gran. The most charming , kind and graceful woman i knew. A very modern and wise woman. A dear Friend and confidant. I'm still recovering. This post however isn't about her sudden exit from my life, because now I have decided to celebrate her life. She would have wanted me to.

I have gained a lot of things I craved. I have lost sight of a few things. I have been empowered by a few experiences, I have been weakened by some. But one thing that remains is my will and power to overcome. I feel as humans we have different capacities for different situations. I am stubborn and foolish enough to believe that I will never give up. If something comes and beats me senseless, I will heal.

There are days when I miss the innocence I used to have. But on most days I am comfortable with the new.  I can let go of hate and love more easily now. Its not resignation, Its power. To be truly happy they say one must be happy with oneself. I for one am a work in progress, but I know I'm hiking toward the right direction. So that thought makes me happy, I am confident in my abilities , I am aware of my strength. It isn't arrogance, It's just called being aware. I have been getting to know myself better.

I like what I have found. I like what I have assumed about myself. I like that I know my shortcomings. Solutions are always around. Just have to find it. You can try to punch me out
Try to knock me down.

I will always heal.

I miss you amma. I love you. You will be a part of me always. I hope you are watching over me.
Now I know , I have someone to pray to for sure. Rest In Peace.

I won't let you down.

I will always heal.

My neglected friend

On the threshold of any powerful decision, life changing move or simple acceptance of change lies the enemy known as 'the past'. Looking back has always done both good and bad.
Its easy to get caught up in the 'Should I have done it differently? Should I have given it another go? Did I do my best? Would it have worked out.

All good questions. In most cases justified. But most of them bring regret and confusion. I believe that in order to do anything right you need clarity. I for one spend so much time looking in hindsight . My time machine is usually set to the past. I revisit several instances where I perhaps could have acted differently and so I hold unto regret. Learning from your mistakes is a popular term. Especially in self help books.
Sure its applicable, but only and only if its applied. Otherwise its just a saying.

Many things have kept me from the growth I possibly could have had. I've denied myself the opportunity to grow. I've stood in the way of my own goals and path. Only I am to blame. No one else. Everyone else is just that....THEY ARE OTHER PEOPLE. They aren't me, so they couldn't have possibly stood in my path like I would have liked to believe. They are my excuses. Many times I've looked at others and wondered if only he/ she were different in such and such way, my life would be better. No they aren't the answer. I am the answer. People will get in the way, because we are all spinning around like frenzied tops, going bump from time to time. We don't try to control the momentum of our spin, rather we look at how the others spin. In what direction and whether they will bump our spin. I wish , I should have blah blah should be replaced by I will and I can and I'm going to. Few things have had the power and influence to shake me to my bone, I've let them consume me and control me.

This post is not about broadcasting my regrets, This post is about taking control of my life.
Only I can. No one will care about me the way I want them to. Only I can care about me the way I choose to. My happiness only I should and will be responsible for, anything or anyone else is a bonus. I guess I'm slipping away from the dreamer that I used to be, its necessary I think. There's no handbook that says that it is necessary, but I think I believe and trust that is, and that should be enough. No further justification required. I am the master of my fate, sure life will throw curve balls, that I will have to deal with....but these I want to deal with my way, my way works best for me. Cause when I'm ready only then I can implement. Its all about small victories. So far I have neglected me, I am my neglected friend. I will be a friend to myself, I will be my best friend. I will count on others less, because my burden isn't theirs. They have their own. I will do the best I can manage for myself. It isn't about being selfish, but more about concentration, more about focus. I have not been my focus in the longest time and so I've let other things affect me more than it probably should have. Now is the time that I will try to work on a better present and future. My present. My future.

The supporting cast can take a coffee break.

To tomorrow whatever it may hold, I will bring all that I am to it
Whatever I have now and whatever I will find on the way.

No regrets.

Happy New Year.

Writer's block

I live on writer's block
A quiet lane filled with thoughts
Where the scenery changes color and smell
Depending on what I have to sell
I control the decibels
I paint the sun a shade of yellow of my choosing
I decide if the river flows forward or backward

Yep I'm mayor of this town
I create the lawns with elves
I design the playgrounds
I know my way around

Sometimes its tricky
I get lost or trapped on a tiny road surrounded by walls on all sides
Then nothing is visible and I have to sit cross-legged on that road
And my pants get dirty... I hate that
Sometimes its just darkness there as I bump against the wall
Brick by brick they seem like borders I cannot cross
Then there's little I can do and no inspiration manages to shine through

It's then that I think of things that inspire me
The most powerful and important things in my world
Love and loyalty, faith and hope
Slowly I realize there's so much to write about
I create the walls. I create the barriers.

I can break them down

Writer's block can be a place or a thick brick wall
It's our choice. As most things are.
Open your mind and also your heart
There's so much to see, tons to feel and plenty to say.

So when your backed up against a wall...

I suggest start with graffiti.