Adamantium

Very recently I lost someone irreplaceable. My Gran. The most charming , kind and graceful woman i knew. A very modern and wise woman. A dear Friend and confidant. I'm still recovering. This post however isn't about her sudden exit from my life, because now I have decided to celebrate her life. She would have wanted me to.

I have gained a lot of things I craved. I have lost sight of a few things. I have been empowered by a few experiences, I have been weakened by some. But one thing that remains is my will and power to overcome. I feel as humans we have different capacities for different situations. I am stubborn and foolish enough to believe that I will never give up. If something comes and beats me senseless, I will heal.

There are days when I miss the innocence I used to have. But on most days I am comfortable with the new.  I can let go of hate and love more easily now. Its not resignation, Its power. To be truly happy they say one must be happy with oneself. I for one am a work in progress, but I know I'm hiking toward the right direction. So that thought makes me happy, I am confident in my abilities , I am aware of my strength. It isn't arrogance, It's just called being aware. I have been getting to know myself better.

I like what I have found. I like what I have assumed about myself. I like that I know my shortcomings. Solutions are always around. Just have to find it. You can try to punch me out
Try to knock me down.

I will always heal.

I miss you amma. I love you. You will be a part of me always. I hope you are watching over me.
Now I know , I have someone to pray to for sure. Rest In Peace.

I won't let you down.

I will always heal.

My neglected friend

On the threshold of any powerful decision, life changing move or simple acceptance of change lies the enemy known as 'the past'. Looking back has always done both good and bad.
Its easy to get caught up in the 'Should I have done it differently? Should I have given it another go? Did I do my best? Would it have worked out.

All good questions. In most cases justified. But most of them bring regret and confusion. I believe that in order to do anything right you need clarity. I for one spend so much time looking in hindsight . My time machine is usually set to the past. I revisit several instances where I perhaps could have acted differently and so I hold unto regret. Learning from your mistakes is a popular term. Especially in self help books.
Sure its applicable, but only and only if its applied. Otherwise its just a saying.

Many things have kept me from the growth I possibly could have had. I've denied myself the opportunity to grow. I've stood in the way of my own goals and path. Only I am to blame. No one else. Everyone else is just that....THEY ARE OTHER PEOPLE. They aren't me, so they couldn't have possibly stood in my path like I would have liked to believe. They are my excuses. Many times I've looked at others and wondered if only he/ she were different in such and such way, my life would be better. No they aren't the answer. I am the answer. People will get in the way, because we are all spinning around like frenzied tops, going bump from time to time. We don't try to control the momentum of our spin, rather we look at how the others spin. In what direction and whether they will bump our spin. I wish , I should have blah blah should be replaced by I will and I can and I'm going to. Few things have had the power and influence to shake me to my bone, I've let them consume me and control me.

This post is not about broadcasting my regrets, This post is about taking control of my life.
Only I can. No one will care about me the way I want them to. Only I can care about me the way I choose to. My happiness only I should and will be responsible for, anything or anyone else is a bonus. I guess I'm slipping away from the dreamer that I used to be, its necessary I think. There's no handbook that says that it is necessary, but I think I believe and trust that is, and that should be enough. No further justification required. I am the master of my fate, sure life will throw curve balls, that I will have to deal with....but these I want to deal with my way, my way works best for me. Cause when I'm ready only then I can implement. Its all about small victories. So far I have neglected me, I am my neglected friend. I will be a friend to myself, I will be my best friend. I will count on others less, because my burden isn't theirs. They have their own. I will do the best I can manage for myself. It isn't about being selfish, but more about concentration, more about focus. I have not been my focus in the longest time and so I've let other things affect me more than it probably should have. Now is the time that I will try to work on a better present and future. My present. My future.

The supporting cast can take a coffee break.

To tomorrow whatever it may hold, I will bring all that I am to it
Whatever I have now and whatever I will find on the way.

No regrets.

Happy New Year.

Writer's block

I live on writer's block
A quiet lane filled with thoughts
Where the scenery changes color and smell
Depending on what I have to sell
I control the decibels
I paint the sun a shade of yellow of my choosing
I decide if the river flows forward or backward

Yep I'm mayor of this town
I create the lawns with elves
I design the playgrounds
I know my way around

Sometimes its tricky
I get lost or trapped on a tiny road surrounded by walls on all sides
Then nothing is visible and I have to sit cross-legged on that road
And my pants get dirty... I hate that
Sometimes its just darkness there as I bump against the wall
Brick by brick they seem like borders I cannot cross
Then there's little I can do and no inspiration manages to shine through

It's then that I think of things that inspire me
The most powerful and important things in my world
Love and loyalty, faith and hope
Slowly I realize there's so much to write about
I create the walls. I create the barriers.

I can break them down

Writer's block can be a place or a thick brick wall
It's our choice. As most things are.
Open your mind and also your heart
There's so much to see, tons to feel and plenty to say.

So when your backed up against a wall...

I suggest start with graffiti. 

Children's Day

I remember what it was like being a kid.
In someways I still am
I remember being happy then.
In someways I still am.

For me back then an ant hill was an architectural wonder
In some ways it still is
I used to think  of my dad as a superhero
In someways he still is
My mother would always make everything better
In someways she still does

My wants were small, but ruthless
Somehow they still are

My idea of the world was magical
In someways the idea stayed

I believed in happy endings
Sometimes I still do

The playground was always exciting
This I guess will always remain

Being a kid , I felt everything would always turn out right
In some ways it did.

I sought friends I would keep for life
In some of them, I found friends for life

My toys were my companions
On some lonely days they still are.

Cartoons made my day
Some of them still do

Back then it wasn't about the iPhone, it was about the ice-cream.
Even now sometimes its about the ice-cream

Back then I believed in the goodness of people
Sometimes I still do

Not a lot has changed I guess
But somehow it has....

For the children in all of us. I'm glad they are in there...to sometimes still show us the way.

Psst....

Words are often suppressed by everyone. Especially by those who think with their head.
They may have a good heart, but perhaps a smarter mind. Their minds are editors and edit out words that seem unnecessary. A screening process if you will.

Then there are those who speak from their hearts. Without thinking and perhaps less careful. They mean well, Intentions are swell and yet more often than not they are banished to holy hell.

Speaking comes with many prior clauses and conditions. It isn't easy to say what you feel always. Perhaps most relationships would go kaput if you will. One has to choose his or her words wisely. Its the fine balance of your tippy toes that stand at the edge of a creaky wooden plank overlooking a sea of sharks waiting to devour you. We are editors of our potentially shocking conversations and we are liars and we cherish understating and use white lies to maintain our peace. We the speakers of our varied undertones.

We the mute. We the silent
We bravely think, we rarely speak.
We mouth rehearsed lines from a screened pre-approved script
Are we cowards?
Or are we smart?

In my silence I will hold my courage
And upon your silence, I will count on

And in our silences I will assume that life is a cloud bubble
with careful font.

And as we continue to live the way we are expected to, it must be disappointing for our unspoken words
Words that would perhaps change the world. May be not for the better. But different

As i mull over these 'pointless' thoughts
I invite you to mull over yours

One thing's for sure. Ours is a noisy silent world.

Dirty Rap

Smack I whack her head
Hmmmm was all she said
Do it right
And keep outta sight
Don't bob for apples
Later I'll buy you snapples
I've got so much to tell you
My life comes with a terrific view

Everyday I wake up to an uplifting beat
I wear shorts to avoid the heat
My mind is racing
My legs are pacing
A feeling of anticipation
Much like constipation
I see people scampering
Happiness hampering

Fat people blame the food
No  I don't mean to be rude
Shoot a gun in a way it ricochets
Launch your assault with trebuchets
Everyone has their defense
Just an observation, No offence
Its about power
We conspire while we shower
In the end its always about who controls the remote
Don't believe me? lets put it to vote

Spread I say
Open up, make way
Lets lay some brick
Make way for the prick
It'll be over with a scream
No not your life, your silly wet dream
I could grab you
Pull you along the floor
Or if you like I'll pull you up
Bang you against the door

Live a life that would inspire others
This and other good things, we learn from our mothers
Silly magicians pretend to hover
At least until some one blows their cover
Pretenders we all are
Age, sex, race no bar
Our cum soaked hankies reminders of an induced good time
Also can be confused for putrid slime

How do you choose to look at it?
Life is more than  the slow movement of a bouncy tit
My perception creates reality
Fellatio is not an abnormality
Grabbing her hair, I urge her to stop
Her hair reminds me of a filthy little mop
You give decent head
Hmmm... was all she said

She put on her clothes
It was fun she said,
I pretended to listen
Her eyes began to glisten

Come I said, I'll show you to the door
She wasn't in a hurry, I just couldn't stand her any more.

I cut a string

I watched her go

I cut a string

I watched her shine

Far and bright

I watched her smile

Haunting sin

I watched her refection in rivers deep

I dive in

I watched her fade

In the clouds within

I watched her with one recap

I have an inbuilt memory reel

I cut a string

I cut a string

I cut a string

She watched me go

My time, to win