Then and Now

I don't think I have ever had unrealistic expectations.

But yes I suppose each dreamer and fool would say the same thing

On very rare occasions have I let myself go. I did so in front of people who I thought could take me.

I think I've come to the conclusion that I must be a rather difficult person. More messed up than I would like to have been. My problems may not be the worst of the lot..no I'm not claiming that at all.

I think only I can really live with myself. Theres just no logic otherwise. Some people I've lost..I've lost in spite of loving them completely. Theres gotta be an explanation or may be there is none.

This post is not for pity. So don't offer any. This is perhaps a post of acceptance that the kid inside me needed to accept, the same kid who sat on a particular Saturday, content with an ice cream cone on a warm summer day hoping that if he looked outside the window with enough intensity that he would eventually make it snow. Life is just not what I thought it would be all those years ago...But I guess like everyone else I'm looking for strength every day to accept life for whatever it is and whatever it will be. One day at a time and then of course there is always hope.

I guess simply put

It never did snow, but I learn't to enjoy the ice-cream.

15 minutes to October

September !! What a month.

The amount of posts I've put up would give out the impression that I am a prolific writer.

I don't know If I would accept that accusation.

But I do know this...never before have I written so much, about so many different things at such great frequency and such intensity.

I surprised myself. September totally dominated my Blog man. The other months got owned!

There could be several reasons for this. None of which I am comfortable discussing with you.

But know this ...its not that I've found a new muse...its probably that I lost an old one.

My rubbish only makes sense to me most of the time...I'm not sure why some of you even bother reading what I write. But If I were a third person and this were someone else's blog then I'd have read it . But yeh I'm a lil nuts like that.

So there's barely enough time for this month to end. The month of inspiration should I call it?

Naw too dramatic. The month of psycho babble at its best perhaps. An applause for all events that led to my burst in 'creativity' and cheers to all of you who decided to read my rants.

Only one thing comes to mind...October is a screwed bitch. How the hell is it gna man up and take it to September?? Oh well I'll worry about that tomorrow.

or in about four minutes. anyhoo this is the last bit for sept 2010. Quite a month you've been

My words owe ya gratitude. The rest of the year can wait.

A nation waits

30/9/10

A verdict that has been coming for 60 years. It is expected any moment now.

Today is judgment day. Two sections of the society warred over a location they claimed belonged to their 'god'.

A lot of blood spill later and a lot of disharmony that rocked the biggest democracy in the world.

Our secular country was brought to a standstill. Today yet again we all await a verdict with bated breath.

Its not just the judgment of the long impending case by the High Court.

But More so about the decision of the people.

The decision of the people to keep the peace.

Peace is a responsibility. Peace is necessary. Peace is the call of the hour.

Today we will find out just how 'great' our nation is.

Today we have the chance to move away from the 3rd world tag.

Today we get to show our progress and growth.

Today we get to show our unity and strength.

Today we get to show our solidarity and secularism.

Today can be a fantastic day. Its our choice.

Hope my country chooses well.

I opened a door, a little madness came out.

I never let myself go completely

Always guarded. A lot of people would agree.

I recently wrote about the walls people put up

I have always been a private person. I've never let anyone know the really important things.

I am happier that way. When I was a lil kid I had my toys. My companions who knew me well.

Then there were my dogs. They knew me better.

I never warmed upto people much. I can sure as hell talk to them.

I can befriend them. I just don't like them. So I never let them in.

They don't even know it.

Theres so much more to me I've come to realize. Things I had forgotten

This year has been all about accidental soul searching and systematic filtering.

I have learnt harsh lessons and gained immense perspective.

I recently discovered that I have become fond of kids.

I used to get irritated with them before, but strangely I've become fond of them.

I listen to my current favorite track at least once a day

I play background music in my head when I see a dramatic situation unfolding in front of me.

I have no idea what I'm going to write about before I start any post.

I hope to someday build a hospital for animals who are horribly neglected in our country.

I am my worst critic

I love montage reels

My day dreams are ridiculous but cannot compare to my actual dreams

I could eat Pizza at any time of the day.

The above information is of no consequence to u.

But this is the information I felt like sharing today. Just because.

I like to open the door a little ...on some days.

After all everyone is allowed a little madness and a lil confession.

Until next time.

Walls

Thud!

How often have you been slammed into a brick wall that doesn't waver or give an inch.

I've locked horns with one before and lost. Badly. Bruised et all.

Then I found a door...not to get through that wall to the other side mind you.

But to get out of that place. To run on an open field.

Then I saw it. A beautiful field of flowers.

I ran towards it, just as I promised I would.

And Thud!

A wall again.

It seems every time I let go off myself..I find a brick , unforgivable wall waiting for me

I am a prisoner .

I might never cross over.

But I am tired of banging against these walls. Tired.

I will build my own now and be a miserable king.

Sail

I am viciously heading toward a feeling of not belonging

With no sense of identity at present, I feel like a branded outcast on all counts.

If you could feature me on the front page of a magazine, I would be the guy a lotta ppl knew or got along with once upon a time.

Today I am a mystery even to myself. I hardly know myself anymore.

My brain feverishly attempts to work against my heart.

I hope the brain wins this fight. My hearts done me no good so far.

I am prepared to be alone. But i don't know what I will do once I get there.

Loneliness is a leech thats been sucking on my blood for sometime.

Holding me hostage. Put out a ransom. But no one wants to buy my freedom.

And as I struggle with knots and my wrists bare the effective friction marks of tight rope

I settle down, at least in my mind to recollect all the wonderful times and am grateful.

So far its been colorful and unpredictable.

I am perhaps stronger after multiple blows and am adept to face the world.

I am drawn unto the black hole of Karma as it swindles and twirls around in an ocean...

that is both endless and without horizon.

Some days I settle quite well into everyday life...

On other days I wish to just borrow a boat, raise a flag

and set sail.

Perhaps someday I will have a destination to get to.

Until then I will watch the water, show me my reflection as it lies still to project my image without ripple.

For a girl

The stars on this day will align perfectly

As will the moon...

And as the moonlight falls upon you which is our night sky's natural spotlight...

Your aura will spread right through ...

And this night will endure your grandeur

as best as it can.

Happy b'day Miss G. 17/09/10.