The end of the beginning

I have observed through my recent actions and state of mind

that I the silly little, optimistic, happy boy held unto a precious blanket

the kind with the pretty colors. I've been fighting with the mad gale rushing toward me trying to take away the blanket. I wanted to sleep under it. Be warm because of it. Feel peace with it.

The gale's just too powerful. What is this gale? where is it coming from?

Why is it headed constantly in my direction?

No answers. Just facts.

I can't seem to live under the blanket anymore.

Nothing of what was seems to want to be anymore.

Nothing. I could head for cover, but I have no shelter

Anger is flooding inside me, rage building

Then I scream.

Then I scream alone in a house that appears to be happy.

Then I fall on purpose, kicking and screaming. No I'm not ready to let it all just go.

But I suppose it isn't up to me.

None of it ever was.

I lie in the mess I've made.

I stare into the night, the breeze hits my face gently this time.

The rage has subsided for now.

I am silent . The echo of my own screams throbbing in my head.

I am unhappy, I realize..but even in my unhappiness I chose to be calm.

I am always calm.

Thats who I am.

Calm. Just calm.

And now the beginning has ended

I will smile..in pretense

I will smile. Because I am calm.

It's who I am.

My rage hums inside of me and the beginning has ended

My rage is a vibration now.

I remember once again.

It all comes around like a boomerang .

Fuck this.

.................................................................but the beginning has ended...........

and I lay wasted in my calmness .